Saturday, August 27, 2005

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane

It's true. He does.

The One-Ups.

There's this band that I know, and they totally roXXorz, soXXorz, into boXXorz.


Like, this one time, he thought we should do a shot, and it was really gross. I made a face. Also he's the one who told me to wear that shirt, and you can see what a poor decision that was.

The Return of Lazer! Lazer!

Your favorite feature and mine is back! Lazer! Lazer!, now in nine languages on four continents, and celebrating it's fourteenth consecutive year of publication.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Power Repressed Memories.

So, this guy who played a Power Ranger of some sort had apparently killed a couple by tying them to an anchor and throwing them overboard, a devious plot that would make Lord Zed himself...

Ugh, I'm fucking lame.

Or is it lamer that the story turned out to be about an actor that had not actually portrayed a Power Ranger, but had only appeared as an extra in the show.

I guess it's kind of a toss-up. I just figured he had been a Ranger sometime after Power Rangers in Space, which is when I quit watching.

I have a secret copy of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie: The Official Soundtrack that I like to rock out to when nobody's around.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Taco Bell, Taco Bell, Smoke Some Weed, Eat Some Bell...

What the hell...?!? Eat some bell?

There's an exciting proposition that has been hanging in the air like so much smoke for a couple of years now between me and anyone I go to Taco Bell with, which has included such disparate entities as the former Miss Teen USA and your mama, and that proposition is free food for me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have a deeply American soul, and so I won't just take your handouts of free food. I want to work for it. I want to entertain for it. I want to create for you, my constituency, a spectacular spectacularrrrre! And the deal has stood for years...if you buy me three grilled stuft burritos, I will eat them in under ten minutes, or double your money back.

And you know something? That's exactly what I did. And then I had a whiskey and sprite, and went to sleep, converting the sum total of tacos into pure metabolic fuel (PMF).

Thank you and have a pleasant Saturday.

Friday, August 12, 2005


Boggle is a fun game. We played boggle last night. Also last night, completely unrelated, I had a boggling dream with potentially deep and subversive meaning, but, like I said, it has me boggled.

In the dream, I'm attending a concert where I show up late for the first act, but that's cool, because everyone's totally booing him and doesn't enjoy his shitty music AT ALL. Whoever he is. But then the main act goes on, and everyone loves him, and he plays some songs. Halfway through his set, the main act says he's gonna take a little break, so why doesn't everybody get some snacks? Okay.

I then sit around for a little bit, talking with my date, and realize that I want a T-shirt. So I go up to the main act, and he's real friendly, but he doesn't have any T-shirts left. Which I think sucks, but whatever. And some other guy is there talking at him about whatever shitty movies he's seen that summer.

So then my date wants to go check out the college campus right next to the concert venue, and we go in to the one building on campus, which is full of students. My date starts running around the place, obviously looking for something with deep intent and purpose, but I'll be damned if I know what it is, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with her pace.

I hope she found it, because then I woke up. BOGGLIN'!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Literally, Like Flies On Shit

The funniest anecdote in the world just waltzed into the middle of a shit I made two minutes ago.

As I was lifting my ass to one side to wipe (triple-ply), a fly buzzed into the business (unbeknownst to moi), and was trapped by my cheeks choking the rim again. I didn't notice the whole affair until I stood up to flush, made my traditional cursory evaluation of the situation, and eyed a floating fly in the middle of my filth.

I sincerely hope Buddha doesn't hold it against me that I refused to save the little guy's life.

P.S. People who espouse the phrase "That is too much information" are rewarded with eternal damnation from the church of [every religion].

Monday, August 01, 2005