Saturday, February 04, 2012

Hal Jordan is the dumbest.

I hate Hal Jordan. Well, hate is a strong word, but he is definitely an idiot, I can tell you that much. This guy is a complete maroon. And he has been that way for years.

For those who don't know, Hal Jordan is not a real person. He's a comic book character more commonly known as the Green Lantern, a superhero published by DC Comics who was also featured in a movie starring Ryan Reynolds last year. It wasn't very popular, but maybe it would have been if it featured more scenes like this:
Jesus, Hal.
There's no way of knowing for sure, but it seems likely the movie version of Hal would have been caught up in a lot more true-to-character shenanigans if the movie's original screenplay, written by Robert Smigel and set to star Jack Black as the Green Lantern, had been produced instead of the Ryan Reynolds version.
It's possible. For now, though, what we really have to go on to prove Hal's idiocy is his seemingly non-stop cavalcade of self-wrought slapstick. Honestly, it's like the guy can't even go five minutes without knocking his head on something. Sometimes, yeah, it's a villain or a bird taking a cheap shot at our "hero," but most of the time, it's like Hal is actively seeking out a way to injure his already-diminutive brain:
Green Lantern is conking out.
That's not even close to all the head injuries Hal has endured over his career.

At this rate, it's amazing that Hal doesn't have the diminished mental capacity that would surely come with such a staggering amount of blunt force cranial trauma. Or maybe...he does:
The perfect disguise
Ten hours? Damn, Hal, pull it together.
But it's not like Hal's friends in the superhuman community haven't figured out that there is something drastically wrong with their comrade. Superman, for example, has been more than willing to let Hal know what he thinks of him:

Superman is usually a pretty chill guy, so when he straight up confronts you about your personal life, you know you're an embarrassment to the superhero community. I mean, you might know, anyway. Hal probably doesn't even know how to put his pants on without help. But if there's one thing Hal Jordan does know, it's how to protect his secret identity:
Protecting his secret identity
I honestly can't believe anybody prefers this guy to Kyle Rayner.