Sunday, September 01, 2013

Fall TV 2k13

Here's what's on TV this fall, along with how many episodes I'll watch before giving up.

Sunday:

NEW Masters of Sex: Remember Lizzy Caplan's sex scenes in True Blood like 20 years ago or whatever? Yeah, those were great. Anyway, I'm not watching this. (Showtime 10 p.m. EST 9/29)

Bob's Burgers (FOX 8:30 9/29)

Family Guy (FOX 9 9/29)


Eastbound & Down: Load it up and truck it (HBO 10 9/29)


Monday:

HIMYM: Final season, mom's here, everything takes place over one weekend, let's do this. (CBS 8 9/23)

NEW Almost Human: A new sci-fi show on Fox? WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Don't confuse this show with Being Human or Not Quite Human, this is the one where Mama's not the law, I'm the law. (FOX 8 11/4)

NEW We Are Men: You can do it, Jerry O'Connell. You can star in a sitcom that lasts longer than 8 episodes. I believe in you. This isn't it, though. I will watch both episodes that air. (CBS 8:30 9/30)


Tuesday:


NEW Dads: Seth MacFarlane understands the importance of casting attractive women. Will watch for entirety of its run, unless it's terrible. (FOX 8 9/17)

NEW Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Real cops don't act like this. Entirely possible that I won't even make it through the pilot. (FOX 8:30 9/17)


NEW Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Cobie Smulders is in the pilot, so I'll watch the pilot. (ABC 8 9/24)

NEW Trophy Wife: Malin Akerman (good) marries Bradley Whitford (what) and his ex-wives and several children don't like her. I don't understand how this got written, produced, picked up, and put on the air. I will watch the opening five minutes. (ABC 9:30 9/24)



Wednesday:

NEW The Tomorrow People: This was a show in the 70s, and then a show in the 90s. Memories of The Tomorrow People are never truly forgotten. They just get...locked away. Also I'm not watching this. (CW 9 10/9)

Always Sunny: Shit, I need to find out what channel FXX is. (FXX 10 9/4)

The League: Oh, there it is. 619. (FXX 10:30 9/4) 



Thursday:

NEW The Crazy Ones: Maybe if James Spader was the star of this show instead of The Blacklist, I could promise to watch more than two episodes. (CBS 8 9/26)


NEW The Michael J. Fox Show: Michael J. Fox's daring return to television (again). I'm watching every episode, you're watching every episode, let's not kid ourselves here. (NBC 9:30 9/26)


Friday:

Hawaii Five-0 (CBS 9 9/27)

NEW Enlisted: Buried on Friday night, it shouldn't be too much trouble to watch the three episodes of this that make it to air before cancellation. (Fox 9:30 11/8)


Saturday:

SNL (NBC 11:30 9/28)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Fox Magic!


The fox is both a cunning and wily opponent, and he doesn't afraid of anything.
I know you were curious about how foxes are traditionally portrayed in folk tales and mythology, so I put together a brief primer for you. Enjoy!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Obamalock

If the president wants the superpower to speak any language, his superhero code name would probably end up being something like that, I imagine. #Obamalock

Monday, July 30, 2012

How to Offer Water in the Modern Way

According to David Remnick's "We Are Alive," Bruce Springsteen's wife Patti Scialfa offers guests water "in the modern way." There are no details in the article about exactly what the modern way is, so to clarify:

The modern way to offer water to your guests is a 4 step process.

Step 1. Offer your guest(s) water. Do not offer anything else.
Step 2. If your guest would like some water, tell them that's cool, but that you want them to know that you're offering it in the modern way.
Step 3. Should your guest look confused, helpfully gesture towards your crotch and waggle your eyebrows.
Step 4. On the off-chance that suggestive waggling does not initiate certain activities, sigh and wave your guests in the general direction of the kitchen, mumbling something along the lines of, "Sink's in there."

And now you too know the modern way to serve water.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Maximum Efficiency

This is my favorite bit from Slackonomics: Generation X in the Age of Creative Destruction, by Lisa Chamberlain. From Chapter 5 ("WhatGoesUp.com"), Jen Bekman, former director of interactive programming at Disney, describes her decision to go back to college after the dotcom bubble burst and left her jobless in 2000 1997:
I had gone to Hunter College, but never graduated. So I tried going back to school, too. I took two classes at Hunter: a modern poetry class and a media studies course. I was getting a lot out of both classes; the professors were great. But I remember there were materials on reserve at the library, and you had to go check out a book and Xerox the material. You had to get a Xerox card and stand in line to photocopy the book. I just had this moment where I was like, "What the fuck?" There was no way I could do it. It just seemed ridiculous. There might be some arrogance in that, but Xeroxing a book seemed completely disconnected from my desire to learn. It wasn't just Xeroxing a book, but everything that represented. After years of working in this new, exciting arena, doing things no one had done before, making money, to then be standing there in line to Xerox a book - needless to say, I didn't finish the classes.

The lesson here, as always, is an education is not worth the trouble of Xeroxing something in order to obtain it. If a professor refuses to provide you with a pdf of all the relevant materials, walk out of that class and never look back. Xeroxing can mess you up. Lots of things can mess you up.

Cyborg knows what I'm talking about.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Batman: My Parents Are Deeaaaaaad!!!

I know we pick on Hal Jordan a lot here at MatM, and there's a good reason for that. Hal Jordan is stupid. But he's far from the only superhero who has made bad decisions in life. Consider Batman, who once wore this incredibly stupid mask:
Talia used to ream dreams but now she's here to ruin your reality.
That's from Neal Adams' Batman Odyssey, a comic series that can best be summarized as a frenzied fever dream that is here to ruin your reality. Invoke the Warrior's Code, Batman!

Cracked put up a great article today about the The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes, and of course Hal Jordan and Batman both made the list.

It's particularly dickish behavior on display by Jordan, who apparently used to have an Asian sidekick named "Pieface." GODDAMNIT, HAL. It just never ends with this guy. Batman's dickery isn't as bad, since it's an example taken from an old imaginary story, which means it didn't happen to the real Batman who really exists for real. Also, the origin of the panel for the Batman My Parents Are Dead meme is shown, which is neat (It's World's Finest #153). Good to know.


In other superhero internet content news, the compelling article Would You Date a Girl with Superpowers? is now live over at Infobarrel, and it examines the titular question with special consideration for dating a woman with super-strength or telepathy, and also just how jelly you are likely to become if they have a secret identity you don't know about. (Super-jelly). Check it out, won't you?

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Hal Jordan is the dumbest.

I hate Hal Jordan. Well, hate is a strong word, but he is definitely an idiot, I can tell you that much. This guy is a complete maroon. And he has been that way for years.

For those who don't know, Hal Jordan is not a real person. He's a comic book character more commonly known as the Green Lantern, a superhero published by DC Comics who was also featured in a movie starring Ryan Reynolds last year. It wasn't very popular, but maybe it would have been if it featured more scenes like this:
Jesus, Hal.
There's no way of knowing for sure, but it seems likely the movie version of Hal would have been caught up in a lot more true-to-character shenanigans if the movie's original screenplay, written by Robert Smigel and set to star Jack Black as the Green Lantern, had been produced instead of the Ryan Reynolds version.
It's possible. For now, though, what we really have to go on to prove Hal's idiocy is his seemingly non-stop cavalcade of self-wrought slapstick. Honestly, it's like the guy can't even go five minutes without knocking his head on something. Sometimes, yeah, it's a villain or a bird taking a cheap shot at our "hero," but most of the time, it's like Hal is actively seeking out a way to injure his already-diminutive brain:
Green Lantern is conking out.
That's not even close to all the head injuries Hal has endured over his career.





At this rate, it's amazing that Hal doesn't have the diminished mental capacity that would surely come with such a staggering amount of blunt force cranial trauma. Or maybe...he does:
The perfect disguise
Ten hours? Damn, Hal, pull it together.
But it's not like Hal's friends in the superhuman community haven't figured out that there is something drastically wrong with their comrade. Superman, for example, has been more than willing to let Hal know what he thinks of him:

Superman is usually a pretty chill guy, so when he straight up confronts you about your personal life, you know you're an embarrassment to the superhero community. I mean, you might know, anyway. Hal probably doesn't even know how to put his pants on without help. But if there's one thing Hal Jordan does know, it's how to protect his secret identity:
Protecting his secret identity
I honestly can't believe anybody prefers this guy to Kyle Rayner.