My Trip to Nami Island*

*A Report Told Through Interpretative Award-Giving

Well, we did it. We made it through an entire year, and here we stand on the precipice of a new decade, depending on who you ask. I don't even care if it's a new decade or not, which is funny considering how much I cared about whether it was the new millennium or not 10 years ago. I made that point last night, too (when I was celebrating the New Year IN YOUR FUTURE, American Constituency), to which I received the apt response, "Well, what year did you graduate high school?" Good point. P.S. Class of 2000 can eat shit, 2k1 was the first graduating class of the new millennium.

Anyway, end of the year or end of the decade, it's time for the annual awarding of the Evvie, the coveted prize that consists of me declaring with certainty the most eminently rewatchable film of the preceding 12 months. That's it. That's the whole prize. There is no statue. And I have some caveats, too! I have not seen Avatar, Moon, Sherlock Holmes, or Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. However, I did see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen three times. It didn't win.

I also saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and even though that was the movie based on a toy that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen should have been, it also didn't win. It came close, though, helped along by the outfits that Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols were poured into, as well as the delight I bring myself every time I see Snake Eyes on the screen and think to myself, "Why do they call you 'Snake Eyes'?" "Because I always losssssse." Ah, a joke that's almost perfect until you remember that Snake Eyes doesn't talk!

Closer still to securing this year's Evvie was Inglourious Basterds, a film that may not have won, but will still forevermore inform my Italian accent, as well as the way I hold up a finger count (KOREAN CULTURAL FUN FACT #1: In Korea, the thumb is generally number one, not the index finger). Unfortunately, Inglourious Basterds, while eminently watchable, is not eminently rewatchable, as it is long as fuck and features a lot of scenes that you are going to want to skip past during repeat viewings.

No, the clear winner of this year's Evvie and easily the most eminently rewatchable film of 2009 is J.J. Abrams' Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek, a movie that succeeded in achieving the impossible: giving Karl Urban an even better line than "He's the holy Half-Dead who has seen the Underverse," with "Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence. Yeah, well, I got nowhere else to go. My ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones." I mean, hell, that's good enough to take the prize right there, but then they went ahead and painted Rachel Nichols green, fer chrissakes, proving that in the age-old sexiness debate between skintight latex battlesuit and green skin, well...

So that was the year in movies. And She-Hulk imagery, for that matter. Moving on to the category of music, what track was so good that if I had a hard-copy of it, said hard-copy would have melted from eminent replayability? A true conundrum, as ironically one of only two actual physical albums I bought in 2009 was the Lonely Island's Incredibad, a vinyl LP that came with a free download of the album anyway. Still, Julian Casablancas' guest vocals on "Boombox" was my joint for a good chunk of time, until Casablancas released the  even more eminently replayable track "11th Dimension" later in the year.

The other actual physical album I bought was done halfway as an excuse to get a bag that says Evan Records, but also halfway because it is awesome as hell. D.I.S.C.O is so eminently replayable that I am outright shocked that I get such bewildered reactions from Koreans who I tell I like it. Seriously, do you know the kind of shit they listen to here? Brain-crushingly awful 가유, and apparently 엄정화 is too, um, poppy (trite? sugary? something, anyway) for most people. I can't explain it! But it was technically released in 2008, so it gets the 2009 retroactive Evvie for 2008's most eminently replayable track.

Other tracks that helped me continue on my way to permanent hearing loss and the honorary and particular Evvies I bestow upon them:

• Robbie Williams' "Bodies," taking the Evvie for best track with which to banish fat and boost metabolism
• Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce, "Telephone," wins the Evvie for first club track that I have only ever heard in Korea and therefore have no American mental associations with
• Drake and a bunch of other dudes with "Forever," with the Evvie for only listening to the chorus because honestly, Eminem and Kanye are so fuckin' awful
  
• Late Night Alumni's "You Can Be The One (Sultan & Ned Shepard Remix)," Evvie for hitting the fog machine mist release at 3:51, dude i am rollin' balls right now
  
• Whitney Houston - "Million Dollar Bill (Freemasons Club Mix)" - Evvie for track I'm not even sure how it got here, probably Nick downloaded it while I wasn't looking
• Shiny Toy Guns - "Starts With One (Classixx Remix)" - "You Have No Idea How Much I Have to Resist Just Putting Up The Gabriel & Dresden Remix of 'You Are the One' I Know It's Like 3 Years Old I DON'T CARE" Evvie
• Phoenix - "1901" - After the sixth TV show you hear it on, you just end up going with it Evvie
• Annie - "Bad Times" - Epic Regret Evvie
• "The Meadow" - Love Theme From The Twilight Saga: New Moon by Alexandre Desplat - "Let me get this straight: The werewolf imprints the vampire's baby so that she has no choice but to grow up to love and depend on him? That is hott" Evvie
  
• Tiesto - "Here On Earth" (Feat. Cary Brothers) - Tiesto Impressions Are the Best Impressions Evvie
• E-603 - "Wanna Get Low" - Tell it to my heart Evvie

All eminently replayable tracks, but the most eminently replayable track of the past twelve months and music's  2009 Evvie recipient is Lily Allen's "Not Fair (Annie Nightingale's Far Too Loud Electro Mix)". I love that shit. I lurve it.

Yeah, so. Happy New Year. I've been up to stuff, too.

As you can see.

The Korean Kylie Minogue

A lot of K-Pop (or Kah-Yo) isn't very good, but there are a couple of stand-out tracks, like Lee Hyori's "10 Minutes" (sounds like Mary J. Blige's "Family Affair") or Ivy's "Temptation of Sonata" (Fur Elise meets Final Fantasy). So far, my favorite is D.I.S.C.O., a track from the Republic of Korea's answer to Kylie Minogue, Uhm Jung Hwa:

This version of the video is nice, too, as it has the lyrics in Hangul characters, an approximate Roman alphabet pronunciation, and then the lyrics in English. My favorite line is right there on the video preview image before you even press play. While "mi chin deushi chum chu go" may literally translate to "dance like crazy," the word "mi chin" has a meaning that is closer to "retarded," which explains why Korean children are so fond of calling each other crazy. For them, the word just has a bit more kick.

However, I suppose it's not enough kick to censor D.I.S.C.O., or offer a more family-friendly version of the song for radio play. Also, thanks to the Black Eyed Peas, we empirically know that retard(ed) is not as derogatory a word in South Korea as it is in America, as they did change their song "Let's Get Retarded" into "Let's Get It Started" for both radio play and basketball advertisements.

Anyway, I am definitely going to Evan Records tomorrow.

The VIP Treatment

Depeche Mode played in Dallas last night, and of course I went to see them, because I know three of their songs.

We had really good seats. Fourth Row good. But every time I go somewhere, I forget one thing. Last time I took a trip I forgot my belt. This time I forgot my earplugs, and today everything sounds like it's coming from a tunnel.


The light show was amazing. Tanner said it was the best he had ever seen. I also said that. Nick was terrified of the moving lighting trusses. "There are snakes above the stage! We have to get out of here!" he said, not unlike a man under the influence of several controlled substances.


Older fans of Depeche Mode are holding up really well. I didn't see any younger fans, because they do not and should not have the disposable income to be in seats within 100 rows of where we were. Also, people are putting up their concerts videos online, and while some are good, I can guarantee that I have the only version of "Enjoy the Silence" with Nick audibly being fucked up. Except maybe the guy who was standing in front of me, and the guy standing on the other side of Nick. Also, the guy standing behind me.

After the show, we went to a four-floor club, with the acceptable conceit that each floor represented Hell, Purgatory or Heaven, and the unacceptable conceit that Hell was closed.


Also, we were inexplicably given access to the fourth floor, which was a VIP room. At first, I thought it was some sort of trick where everyone has access but only thinks that they are the only ones with access. However, it did turn out to actually be an exclusive VIP area that they let us into because we smelled like we had just been in the fourth row at a Depeche Mode concert. Everyone else at the club smelled like a barnyard.


I guess because Hell was closed, management had some faux strippers dancing up in Heaven. These girls had a bunch of dollar bills stuffed into their garters, stockings, tops and crotches, but I never saw anyone hand them a dollar, so I don't know if they were earned monies or accessories for a stripper costume. I didn't ask because I felt like no matter what the answer was, I would be disappointed.

After all that we got some food, made a lot of noise in the hotel room and passed out. And that's how I spent my summer vacation.

Facebook will teach you about incompetence in advertising.

To be fair, I did check after seeing this banner ad in case maybe there was some guy named Steve Windwood who does amazing live performances.

There is not.

Independence-type Wakeboarding

I told John that if he successfully did a flip, I would put it on the internet. Then I told him if he did not successfully do a flip, I would put it on the internet. Then I shotgunned a beer. It was Miller time!


Music by the Ting Tings, all "Shut Up and Let Me Go." You can get it from the Amazon link on the left if that floats your boat.

Hilarious.

A Grind-My-Gears Lesbian Experimentation Friday

You know what really grinds my gears? Awful videos for tracks that are at least alright. Just close your eyes and press play:



I know kissing a girl was a new and interesting experience for Katy Perry, and so it makes sense that she would respond positively to aspects of it that she will, in time, come to criticize. For instance, if I guessed a girl whose lips tasted like cherry Chapstick, I would suggest she try using a brand of lip balm that doesn't feel like rubbing glass shards on your mouth.

Oh shit, maybe I should just call and tell her that! Nah, I'd be really polite on the phone, all "Hey, all the other messages people have left you make me laugh. A lot. Also, your song is tits."

Zeitgeist, baby!

Kate Havnevik won't teach you a damn thing.

Sometimes when people make me a mix CD, I won't listen to it for at least a couple of years, on account of being so set in my ways and crotchety. But then I will listen to it and what do you know it turns out I like Kate Havnevik:


It's probably for the best that I didn't listen to her when I received a mix with Havnevik on it in 2006. On the one hand, I would have been totally up-to-date-at-the-time on my Norwegian electronica*, but on the other, dominant hand, her lyrics would very well have forced me to shoot myself. In 2008, I'm able to set my chin on my palms and wistfully wist to no one in particular, "Oh Kate, you've got it all figured out, don't you?"

*Although I remember this clip being on rotation in Rome when I was there in 2005, and also I remember not really liking it and wanting more George Harrison.**

**"I've Got My Mind Set on You" makes me want to play 13 Dead End Drive.

Today in Lapsed Connections: Bolton + Hercules

Radical Comics is a fairly new publisher, and one of the titles they are putting out is Hercules: The Thracian War, which looks to be getting a cover by John Bolton. Which is just amusingly synchronous to me because I've been reading the Classic X-Men series this last week, the first three dozen or so issues of which feature back-ups illustrated by Bolton.

And there's really no excuse for my brain to go where it did, but when I saw the headline "Bolton draws Radical's Hercules cover," my first thought was of Michael Bolton's single "Go the Distance" from the Disney Hercules movie. But, you know, I just watched that last week, too, so hey.

But I ain't buyin' no dang Hercules comic, anyway. The only thing I'm getting from Radical is this sweet new Yoshitaka Amano art book based on Mozart's The Magic Flute. woot.

Aimee Mann T-Shirt

Just thinking about Aimee Mann today, and how there was an issue of Savage Dragon where Dragon is wearing an Aimee Mann T-shirt. That issue is number 11.


If anyone else ever needs easy reference for what issue of Savage Dragon featured Dragon wearing an Aimee Mann T-shirt, this post is it, brother.


Again, Dragon wears an Aimee Mann T-shirt in Savage Dragon #11.

Pray

If you ever wondered what song people most often sing whilst floating on the river:


Wonder no longer, because it's this one.

Lazer Bass, Happycore, and the Battle for the American Soul

One of my favorite useless trinkets is a piece of candy a raver girl once made for me. We met in class, and it was clear from her attire that she was really into the dance music scene (and also dance music itself, which does not always happen). When she found out that I was also into electronica, she asked what specific kind of stuff I liked. I knew it would be embarrassing to say happycore, so I figured a safer response was just to say I liked trance.

"Fucking Trance!" she said, in a rehearsed tone of spite. She was into jungle, which is alright too. The next day, she brought me this:


I think it was a nice gesture. My knowledge of what makes music belong to a certain sub-genre (and the merits of those sub-genres) is limited, but the trick to presenting knowledge (especially in social situations and especially about music) is to sound authoritative without being condescending. And you have to know your audience. I managed to spend an hour on a road trip once describing the differences between house and trance, because what the other people in the car knew about electronica allowed me heavy wiggling room for descriptive bull plop.

So I always keep the potential level of bull plop in mind when reading ABOUT music (and as they say, writing about music is like dancing about architecture). Further, the level of hyperbole exhibited when discussing anything you like can get kind of nertz real quick, as is the case with Sasha Frere-Jones and his new favorite sound, Lazer Bass.

When I first read about lazer bass, it was in print, so I didn't get around to listening to it until yesterday, and actually spent the entire weekend going around inaccurately describing everything I heard as lazer bass. It turns out lazer bass is really just Squarepusher, only more "dubby," with the sampling technique of good lord can you imagine listening to me yak about that for another hour?

So, while I love the descriptive title of lazer bass, the music itself is not really for me, falling into that ubiquitous category of "things to play to trick people into dancing so we can put on the real dance music," or, "electronica that sneaks in through the side hatch." It's probably just a failing of mine, but I tend to see dance music that's not happycore as a pose, sub-genres that are not being too terribly honest about what's on the agenda. But that's just me, and what do I know anyway? I like fucking trance.

College Graduate at Play

I went to the dentist Thursday, and got rick rolled while there was a drill in my mouth, which is the kind of thing R.L. Stine could get 300 pages out of, but in real life the situation is not so bad, eh? Later, I was assembling an executive chair when this came on the radio:


Rick Astley - "Never Gonna Give You Up" (Solly Remix). Works for me!

You talked me into it, let's go for a run.

"Run With Us," performed by Lisa Lougheed, and used as the end credit theme to The Raccoons.


Watching this video satisifies 400% of your recommended daily value of 80s synthpop, so viewing this playlist in one sitting will most likely kill you.

I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocaine powder the 80s.

"So Darned...Handsome!"

After almost two decades out of print, Marvel is once again collecting the Longshot miniseries from 1985 by Ann Nocenti and Art Adams, this time in a premiere hardcover. Not that it's all that difficult to still find original copies, but a slick reprint never hurt anyone. What will hurt, though, is a blah cover like the one on Amazon's pre-order page. Compare it with the cover to the Longshot TPB from 1989:


Of course, the new version won't be out until July, so there is a great chance that most of the book's design has not been finalized yet. Anything would be better than Longshot placed over a blue background, but here's an option: how about a new Art Adams piece re-imagining the cover to Longshot #4? Here's the original cover to refresh your memory:


That's actually a little too small, you can hardly see what's going on there. Here's a larger version:


Awesome. Yeah, that Longshot sure is a great character, with that mullet and the bandoleer and the what-not...which brings me to my next point: the 80s were a decade of give-and-take for fashion. For every picture of She-Hulk wearing leg warmers, there were a hundred pictures of a mutant with a hockey haircut and eight fingers, and the pages of Longshot were no exception. But you wouldn't know it from this post because look out here's another shot of She-Hulk:


If only we lived in a world where the flawless aesthetics of 80s workout gear were properly regarded. If...only...


Eric Prydz' "Call On Me" samples Steve Winwood's "Valerie" (and Winwood even rerecorded the vocals, which was swell of him), and it is the bee's knees. And as you can see from the playlist, those dancers would go on to put out an exercise video, "Pump It Up: The Ultimate Dance Workout," and would reunite again for the video to the Hughes Corporation's "What A Feeling." Not as great as "Call On Me," but Deanna Barry licks Juan's face, which brought to mind Kate Nauta (who has a birthday tomorrow) licking Jason Statham's face in The Transporter 2, and so you can just skip ahead in the fourth clip to 1:33 if you want to see that (and I think you do).


So, what have we learned today? Well, I learned that you can get what you want and still be happy, that the Australian accent truly is the funniest of the accents, and most importantly, that even if your mutant power is being incredibly lucky, it cannot save you from the fickle nature of what is fashionable.

Uuiu is what makes time travel possible.

It might still be too early too tell, but so far it seems that riffing on Marvin Berry calling his cousin in Back to the Future is a joke premise with a lot of juice in it. It was used recently in the Onion for a brief story, and that article comes very shortly after this episode of The Simpsons aired:


Both of those references were beat to the punch by Family Guy, though, when that show rick-rolled its audience last May, with an impressed Marvin Astley alerting his cousin that he had found that "mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for." Unfortunately, Hulu has not made that clip available, but that should not stop you from loading the original, grabbing a rotary, and reenacting the scene for your own amusement at home.

Even better than that, though, would be to somehow go back in time and create the first joke using the premise established in Back to the Future. But that could create a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum, or some kind of butterfly effect...I don't know. What do you think, Ultimate Reed Richards?


Great Scott, he's right! And nothing would bring me more satisfaction than filming myself in the role of Marvin Cobain Astley Berry Beethoven, reacting to the symphonic stylings of a time-traveling concert pianist with a call to my cousin: "Hey Ludwig, you know that new inter-movement unity with regard to interlocking thematic devices in music you've been looking for? Well LISTEN TO THIS!"

To which, of course, he would say, "What? What? I can't hear you, I went deaf years ago, and the telephone won't even be invented for another century!"

The only thing left to do then is to post the completed farce here at MatM with the timestamp set to November 11, 1955, making my version of the joke premise the first to appear even in abstract fictional terms. No, make that ESPECIALLY in abstract fictional terms.

Yaw Trick Yaw

Soulja Boy, the visionary genius behind the hit "Crank That (Soulja Boy)", has recently scored again with the instant classic "Yahhh!", a brave indictment of tricks everywhere. If you've heard it, you know that Soulja Boy spends much of the comedy skit cum hip-hop track saying "Yahhh!" in an effort to keep people up out of his face.

Usually, a "yah" or "ya" would be used to indicate agreement, but it is possible that Soulja Boy is expressing "Yahhh!" for "yaw," or a rotation around a vertical axis, like when you shake your head to express "no." If that is the case, substituting "yaw" for "Yahhh!" will likely clear up any confusion fans everywhere may have about Soulja Boy's intentions.

Everywhere, that is, except in Bulgaria, where shaking your head means "yes," while nodding means "no." But honestly, I really don't think they'll care.

A Grind-My-Gears Pop Music Friday

Kylie Minogue's tenth studio album, X, is being released in the US on April 1, four months after its international release. And not being able to...hear it...until...next...week...really...grinds my...gears?

Ah, I done heard it, and the only US addition to the album sounds like a good excuse to just stick with the import.

SOME APPEARANCES BY KYLIE THAT DO NOT GRIND MY GEARS ON THE FOLLOWING U.S. TV SHOWS THAT DO GRIND MY GEARS...NEXT WEEK!

• KYLIE TO APPEAR ON THE TODAY SHOW - MONDAY MARCH 31ST Multi-Platinum Kylie Minogue will visit the U.S. the week of X's release starting March 31st with an exclusive, live, gear-grinding interview with Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show at 8:30 am EST (check your local listings for times)
• KYLIE ON ABC'S 'DANCING WITH THE STARS' ON TUESDAY APRIL 1ST! The pop icon will make a very special performance on ABC's hit show Dancing With the Stars, where she will perform "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" and the first single for the US, the gear-grindingly hip-hopified "All I See"!

Until today, I just thought the singles that were coming out were doing so globally, but I guess not. It's not like anyone would notice that MTV wasn't playing the video for "Wow," even if it had been a US single.


Or like that time when Natasha Bedingfield released the US version of her album, but left off the best UK single, or at least the best single about wanting babies. For a while I thought she was saying "I wanna have your babies/I'm serious like rabies" and that was even better. That ground my gears a little bit, too, being wrong about that, but things are better now.

Utah Saints - Something Good

"It was the freshest move I'd ever seen...like he was floating on air!"

Stride Gum really IS my kryptonite.

In the chewing gum world, only two things matter. One is image. The other is ridiculously long-lasting flavor. And if you have been watching Smallville lately, you know that the gum with the coolest image and the ridiculously longest-lasting flavor is Stride. You know this because developments in Stride culture are now the only thing the characters talk about.

One thing that does not matter in the chewing gum world, however, is quality control. The Stride gum factories in Metropolis, for instance, have a severe problem with kryptonite getting into various batches of Stride (which, compared to every other business and residence in the Metropolis/Smallville regional area, is not so bad, really, because kryptonite gets into just about everything in a 200-mile radius). The promotional strategy to combat potential negative publicity from kryptonite gum is an effective one: A lot of One Republic shows are held in the Stride gum factory, sometimes as many as two a week!

With integrated brand promotion that good, you could put arsenic in your gum and still outsell Trident! Not that Cadbury-Schweppes, the company that makes both Stride and Trident (and more importantly Cadbury Eggs), really cares which brand of gum outsells the other brand they ALSO make. You know who does care about that, though? Advertising Principles professors who assign you (me) to write about the sales strategies for Trident gum. I tell ya, I really thought Stride and Trident were the same brand, but it turns out they are way different (Trident is for old people, apparently).

Keeping in mind that I could not tell Stride and Trident gum apart even when I was specifically assigned to tell them apart, the ad wizards at Cadbury-Schweppes must have realized that the only way to get me to care about gum is to have Superman flat-out tell me to chew it.

Actually, it might be best to have Laura Vandervoort tell me, but that's splitting Kryptonian hairs. Pass the Forever Fruit Stride!

Britney's New Avatar

The video for Britney Spears' "Break the Ice," the third single from her album Blackout, was officially released today, and it features what one can only assume is an animated version of Britney by way of Aeon Flux. To say that this new avatar is a bit out of proportion to how Britney actually looks these days would be accurate but not entirely fair, since the animated version would look idealized next to anybody, even Britney six years ago. As it turns out, though, one of my particular criticisms of Blackout when it came out specifically had to do with lyrics on "Piece of Me," wherein Britney states "I'm Mrs. Lifestyles-of-the-rich-and-famous/I'm Mrs. Oh-my-god-that-Britney's-shameless/I'm Mrs. Extra-extra-this-just-in/I'm Mrs. She's-too-big-now-she's-too-thin." Maybe I just was not as up on my celebrity gossip as some, but I asserted that no where had it ever been stated that Britney was too thin. Despite the fact that it took a cartoon to get us here, that is now a patently false observation on my part, to which all I can say is this: Well-played, Spears.

For a project like this, I think the new look is appropriate, and even a trend that I hope continues. Animated music videos are always at least a little bit awesome, and sometimes all the way awesome. Using real female singers as a starting point for animated eye candy is a step in the right direction, and one that could potentially lead to Kylie Minogue as Dazzler in a music video, an idea that really seems to work for some people.

However, and I cannot stress this point enough, using an idealized animated version of yourself in a music video should never be a substitute for a proper diet and regular exercise. This may not be that big of a problem now, but continued advancements in technology will soon allow everyone, not just divas, to lie about their appearances with avatars, as shown by this image from "14.2.99" in Alan Moore's Magic Words (Avatar, 2002), illustrated by Juan Jose Ryp:

So remember, it is impolite to use an avatar that does not at least reasonably simulate your appearance. Or at least it will be, once everyone is jacked into the metaverse.