Thursday, May 08, 2008

Why "Annuale" is a Funnier SNL Sketch than "Monex"

Checking in on the global economy, it looks like the word is "gold," which must mean the global economy has been watching the same soap opera reruns I have, and has thus been bombarded with advertisements demanding that they send for their FREE GOLD KIT NOW.* If you are not familiar with them, the companies running these ads helpfully want to buy your old gold jewelry, and they are willing to give you cash for that gold and you keep the gold!**

I didn't pay attention to the national spots on the subject of FREEGOLDKITS, because really, sending gold through the mail is cumbersome, who's got the time? Which is why I was thrilled when I started seeing ads for local operations that were in business strictly to buy my old gold. Imagine, I could bring my gold right to the store and walk out with paper currency, something that can be exchanged for goods and services. Try doing THAT with gold! What kind of crackpot business even buys gold? A crackpot business, that's what kind.

Unless, of course, the Fed has been trying to keep economic markets calm through suppressing the price of gold by selling more than half of the nation's supply. Which really makes gold a buyer's market now, but also guarantees that it becomes a seller's market as soon as (A) the Fed stops selling all the gold or (B) the Fed sells all the gold. Who's the crackpot business now?

My favorite part of that article, though, is when the author begins what can only be called the Pizza Metaphor Imperative (or PMI):

...all I want is just to make a lot of money so that I can move into a nice house in a gated community that has armed guards, a nice golf course and completely surrounded by sleazy strip clubs and pizza parlors where you can get any kind of pizza you ever heard of at discount prices.

Obviously, the man is talking about sex pizza, but why he felt the need to be so coy about it is beyond me. He leaves no time to dwell on it though, because immediately after that the PMI continues: to the notion that the Fed has sold half of our nation's gold... I see no reason why the Fed would stop at only half, sort of like when I am starving and I sit down with a whole delicious pizza in front of me, and my wife thinks I am just going to eat half and leave the other half for her, and then she acts all surprised when I see no reason to stop at half, either!

Yeah, what's that broad thinking? Really, though, I don't believe it's fair when what is initially a well-reasoned article on the global economy so quickly turns to madness with no warning. So, here is my warning to you, I am about to do the same thing with a new metaphor ready go:

Trying to regulate market prices of finite materials is like regulating a woman's menstrual cycle with hormones for an indefinite period of time. There is no profit*** in it, and when you run out of hormones, there's going to be hell to pay.

So, why is "Annuale" a funnier Saturday Night Live sketch than "Monex"? Because the writers at SNL (as well as everyone else) know what would happen if you fucked with a girl's period for a year, so everyone can relate to the catastrophic/hilarious results. But nobody at SNL (or really anyone else) knows what's up with gold, so they see the commercials and write a parody where Kristen Wiig moans "Gooooold" for three minutes.

But, just like the rest of us, the writers at SNL do better when dealing with paper currency.

*FREE GOLD KIT includes 4 lbs. lead, whiskey boot and VHS tape with instructions on constructing your own philosopher's stone out of common household items.

**You don't keep the gold.

***Let's say profit = babies.

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