Also, John Stamos is involved.

It's about gosh-darn time I was provided a film by Saget featuring Tracy Morgan, both (I) and (II).

Cybershot R.I.P.

After more than three years of incredibly trusty and crunk service, my Sony Cybershot DSC-U30 has begun receiving a series of frustrating and nattering and I hate it system errors, of the C:32 type. Any pictures that come out of it now look like this...


...which is actually a very svelte and charming and I like it effect, so I'll take das kamera out tonight and see if I can get some embarassing shots that don't include a complete amount of horizontal lines.

And HEY! In celebration of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest completely trouncing Spider-Man's box office records, here's a metaphorical picture of me dressed as a pirate, alongside Spider-Man, dressed as a hockey player, looking trounced.

Has anyone else ever noticed that the opening riffs from Beverly Hills 90210's theme song sound exactly like the opening riffs from Toto's "English Eyes"? Wild.

Crunk Poster

Either John came up with this joke, or I did. I think he did. Everything was hazy after all those box wine stands, which aren't as Jewish as they sound.

Wrecker Report

Michelle Branch didn't come out afterwards to meet her adoring public, but the lovely Jessica Harp did.

She thinks I'm crazy. Or maybe she's crazy about me. We ARE were friends on myspace, after all.

My favorite exchange, after a woman (apparently a mother) asked Luke to take a picture of her and Jessica for her daughter. Which required Luke getting her e-mail address and phone number.

Mother: My daughter is getting into some music that I don't approve of...

Me: What, like the Eminem and Hoobastank and what not? (true quote!)

Mother: Exactly, and we're trying to get her to listen to more white people music. Like the Wreckers.

Me: But not those traitorous Dixie Chicks! (not true quote)

I love that b...

Now that's a comic book.

There's a reason this book outsells every other traditionally-sized comic 3-to-1. Specifically, She-Hulk's butt is the reason.

The Funny thing about mainstream America.

I have tickets to see The Wreckers on Thursday, and I am super-stupidly psyched. You would not believe how psyched I am. I absolutely cannot wait to see this girl who is three months younger than me (yet is married to a man two decades her senior with whom she has a child) perform barefoot next to her friend who serves the important dichotomy of being more attractive yet less popular, while the two of them sing songs that are almost entirely centered around why I shouldn't even look at them I'm such a prick.

The funny thing about mainstream America is that as soon as we heard the Country and Western types didn't want anything to do with the Dixie Chicks anymore, we debuted them at number one. It was a fucking concerted effort.

And I just have to get in on that kind of schizophrenia. On the ground floor. Y'know, before Newsweek tells me to.

That's some island.

Can you imagine how impressive and awesome a person would have to be in order to hold that pose in real life for, say, 15 minutes? Obviously, the kind of person who cannot be trusted sexually. The kind of person whose fate lies on the paesaggi abbandonati della...

ISOLA DELLA TIGRE!

Tiger Island. Where tigers kiss. Bacio della tigre!

No Escape!

I remember thinking this sign said something really hilarious at 3:30 in the morning, probably "Poop Avenue." Anyway, now it says "Lazer."


And here's what happens when you try to escape from Tiger Island. For you see, there is no escape from...

TIGER ISLAND!

Did I mention Autumn Reeser was a regular cast member next season?

She plays Taylor Townsend. Oh, look! Van Damme cuddling with a kitty!

ON THE NEXT “ACCESS HOLLYWOOD:” MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.” DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS.

You're living in a Dreamworld.

Just seems to me that if you're going to be buying She-Hulk, you should do it through me.

And remember, now is the perfect time to get caught up with the series, which just concluded a two-part story that emphasizes the strong, important, and true moral: If you are a sexy male alien whom no woman can resist, you are a sexual predator and need to be tried for your crimes against womanity.

And what does the law do with sexual predators? It banishes them to live among their own on the scarred hellscape that is....

TIGER ISLAND!

Alternate placement possibilities for sexual predators include Wiggle's World and The After Dark Park.

In case you haven't seen it...

And, lest you think me ignorant, I present to my own self a cautionary tale of what the future holds for me if I stay the course.

Look upon this dancing, ye mighty, and despair!

I'm not saying you're wrong...

Have you heard Trace Adkins seminal 2005 smashly acclaimed C&W hit, "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"? Today, I did. I don't think anyone could have seen it coming, but really, we shoulda, brudda. I would share some choice Jungian anals* for this cultural collision, but honestly, my give-a-damn's give-a-dizamn's busted.**

*I have some choice Freudian stuff for that.

**I didn't buy Karaoke Revolution Country. Or, for that matter, Get On 'Da Mic. So, yeah, maybe I AM saying you're wrong.

Darkhawk!

Bad News for People who like Bad News.

"Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Then what did I just say?"

"Uh...straighten up and fly right?"

"Pfft. That was a lucky guess."

Who's looking forward to X-Men 3?

Tom isn't.

Happy International Polar Bear Day!

Seth Meyers

That is the last time I wear women's deodorant.

Wow, that feels really good.

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone.
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me.
We were never carved in stone.

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself...

It won't happen because I don't deserve to be happy.

Keanu Reeves might play the Silver Surfer! OMFG that would be so awesome!~