Fall TV 2k15: Sunday Funday Edition

I am either so lazy or so busy that I cannot do a written review of this fall's new TV lineup. But I can put up a podcast about it, and then use that podcast as a great excuse to put my reaction folder up on YouTube:

Tune in for future episodes, where I am sure to continue farming out my television viewing.

Fall TV 2k13

Here's what's on TV this fall, along with how many episodes I'll watch before giving up.

Sunday:

NEW Masters of Sex: Remember Lizzy Caplan's sex scenes in True Blood like 20 years ago or whatever? Yeah, those were great. Anyway, I'm not watching this. (Showtime 10 p.m. EST 9/29)

Bob's Burgers (FOX 8:30 9/29)

Family Guy (FOX 9 9/29)

Eastbound & Down: Load it up and truck it (HBO 10 9/29)


Monday:

HIMYM: Final season, mom's here, everything takes place over one weekend, let's do this. (CBS 8 9/23)

NEW Almost Human: A new sci-fi show on Fox? WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Don't confuse this show with Being Human or Not Quite Human, this is the one where Mama's not the law, I'm the law. (FOX 8 11/4)

NEW We Are Men: You can do it, Jerry O'Connell. You can star in a sitcom that lasts longer than 8 episodes. I believe in you. This isn't it, though. I will watch both episodes that air. (CBS 8:30 9/30)


Tuesday:

NEW Dads: Seth MacFarlane understands the importance of casting attractive women. Will watch for entirety of its run, unless it's terrible. (FOX 8 9/17)

NEW Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Real cops don't act like this. Entirely possible that I won't even make it through the pilot. (FOX 8:30 9/17)

NEW Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Cobie Smulders is in the pilot, so I'll watch the pilot. (ABC 8 9/24)

NEW Trophy Wife: Malin Akerman (good) marries Bradley Whitford (what) and his ex-wives and several children don't like her. I don't understand how this got written, produced, picked up, and put on the air. I will watch the opening five minutes. (ABC 9:30 9/24)


Wednesday:

NEW The Tomorrow People: This was a show in the 70s, and then a show in the 90s. Memories of The Tomorrow People are never truly forgotten. They just get...locked away. Also I'm not watching this. (CW 9 10/9)

Always Sunny: Shit, I need to find out what channel FXX is. (FXX 10 9/4)

The League: Oh, there it is. 619. (FXX 10:30 9/4) 


Thursday:

NEW The Crazy Ones: Maybe if James Spader was the star of this show instead of The Blacklist, I could promise to watch more than two episodes. (CBS 8 9/26)

NEW The Michael J. Fox Show: Michael J. Fox's daring return to television (again). I'm watching every episode, you're watching every episode, let's not kid ourselves here. (NBC 9:30 9/26)


Friday:

Hawaii Five-0 (CBS 9 9/27)

NEW Enlisted: Buried on Friday night, it shouldn't be too much trouble to watch the three episodes of this that make it to air before cancellation. (Fox 9:30 11/8)


Saturday:

SNL (NBC 11:30 9/28)

Fox Magic!

The fox is both a cunning and wily opponent, and he doesn't afraid of anything.

I know you were curious about how foxes are traditionally portrayed in folk tales and mythology, so I put together a brief primer for you. Enjoy!

Obamalock

If the president wants the superpower to speak any language, his superhero code name would probably end up being something like that, I imagine. #Obamalock

How to Offer Water in the Modern Way

According to David Remnick's "We Are Alive," Bruce Springsteen's wife Patti Scialfa offers guests water "in the modern way." There are no details in the article about exactly what the modern way is, so to clarify:

The modern way to offer water to your guests is a 4 step process.

Step 1. Offer your guest(s) water. Do not offer anything else.
Step 2. If your guest would like some water, tell them that's cool, but that you want them to know that you're offering it in the modern way.
Step 3. Should your guest look confused, helpfully gesture towards your crotch and waggle your eyebrows.
Step 4. On the off-chance that suggestive waggling does not initiate certain activities, sigh and wave your guests in the general direction of the kitchen, mumbling something along the lines of, "Sink's in there."

And now you too know the modern way to serve water.

Maximum Efficiency

This is my favorite bit from Slackonomics: Generation X in the Age of Creative Destruction, by Lisa Chamberlain. From Chapter 5 ("WhatGoesUp.com"), Jen Bekman, former director of interactive programming at Disney, describes her decision to go back to college after the dotcom bubble burst and left her jobless in 2000 1997:

I had gone to Hunter College, but never graduated. So I tried going back to school, too. I took two classes at Hunter: a modern poetry class and a media studies course. I was getting a lot out of both classes; the professors were great. But I remember there were materials on reserve at the library, and you had to go check out a book and Xerox the material. You had to get a Xerox card and stand in line to photocopy the book. I just had this moment where I was like, "What the fuck?" There was no way I could do it. It just seemed ridiculous. There might be some arrogance in that, but Xeroxing a book seemed completely disconnected from my desire to learn. It wasn't just Xeroxing a book, but everything that represented. After years of working in this new, exciting arena, doing things no one had done before, making money, to then be standing there in line to Xerox a book - needless to say, I didn't finish the classes.

The lesson here, as always, is an education is not worth the trouble of Xeroxing something in order to obtain it. If a professor refuses to provide you with a pdf of all the relevant materials, walk out of that class and never look back. Xeroxing can mess you up. Lots of things can mess you up.

Cyborg knows what I'm talking about.

Batman: My Parents Are Deeaaaaaad!!!

I know we pick on Hal Jordan a lot here at MatM, and there's a good reason for that. Hal Jordan is stupid. But he's far from the only superhero who has made bad decisions in life. Consider Batman, who once wore this incredibly stupid mask:

Talia used to ream dreams but now she's here to ruin your reality.

That's from Neal Adams' Batman Odyssey, a comic series that can best be summarized as a frenzied fever dream that is here to ruin your reality. Invoke the Warrior's Code, Batman!

Cracked put up a great article today about the The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes, and of course Hal Jordan and Batman both made the list.

It's particularly dickish behavior on display by Jordan, who apparently used to have an Asian sidekick named "Pieface." GODDAMNIT, HAL. It just never ends with this guy. Batman's dickery isn't as bad, since it's an example taken from an old imaginary story, which means it didn't happen to the real Batman who really exists for real. Also, the origin of the panel for the Batman My Parents Are Dead meme is shown, which is neat (It's World's Finest #153). Good to know.

In other superhero internet content news, the compelling article Would You Date a Girl with Superpowers? is now live over at Infobarrel, and it examines the titular question with special consideration for dating a woman with super-strength or telepathy, and also just how jelly you are likely to become if they have a secret identity you don't know about. (Super-jelly). Check it out, won't you?

Hal Jordan is the dumbest.

I hate Hal Jordan. Well, hate is a strong word, but he is definitely an idiot, I can tell you that much. This guy is a complete maroon. And he has been that way for years.

For those who don't know, Hal Jordan is not a real person. He's a comic book character more commonly known as the Green Lantern, a superhero published by DC Comics who was also featured in a movie starring Ryan Reynolds last year. It wasn't very popular, but maybe it would have been if it featured more scenes like this:

Jesus, Hal.

There's no way of knowing for sure, but it seems likely the movie version of Hal would have been caught up in a lot more true-to-character shenanigans if the movie's original screenplay, written by Robert Smigel and set to star Jack Black as the Green Lantern, had been produced instead of the Ryan Reynolds version.

It's possible. For now, though, what we really have to go on to prove Hal's idiocy is his seemingly non-stop cavalcade of self-wrought slapstick. Honestly, it's like the guy can't even go five minutes without knocking his head on something. Sometimes, yeah, it's a villain or a bird taking a cheap shot at our "hero," but most of the time, it's like Hal is actively seeking out a way to injure his already-diminutive brain:

Green Lantern is conking out.

That's not even close to all the head injuries Hal has endured over his career.

At this rate, it's amazing that Hal doesn't have the diminished mental capacity that would surely come with such a staggering amount of blunt force cranial trauma. Or maybe...he does:

The perfect disguise

Ten hours? Damn, Hal, pull it together.

But it's not like Hal's friends in the superhuman community haven't figured out that there is something drastically wrong with their comrade. Superman, for example, has been more than willing to let Hal know what he thinks of him:

Superman is usually a pretty chill guy, so when he straight up confronts you about your personal life, you know you're an embarrassment to the superhero community. I mean, you might know, anyway. Hal probably doesn't even know how to put his pants on without help. But if there's one thing Hal Jordan does know, it's how to protect his secret identity:

Protecting his secret identity

I honestly can't believe anybody prefers this guy to Kyle Rayner.

Fall TV Lineup 2k11

Hey, Nick, here's all the things you need to watch this year. ON TV

Sunday:

NEW Once Upon a Time: Honestly this looks terrible but I will watch half the pilot and see what's up, mitebcool.jpg (ABC 8pm EST 10/23)

NEW Allen Gregory: Also looks terrible, but....tch, yeah, I already bought it? (FOX 8:30 10/30)

Family Guy: I don't trust people who love this show. I also don't trust people who hate it. (FOX 9 9/25)

Dexter: The Best Voiceover Narration on Television enters its sixth season. (SHO 9 9/25)

Hung: I never saw season 2. Season 1 was good, though. Go watch that. Skip this, probably. (HBO 10 10/2)


Monday:

HIMYM: Season 7 starts, show renewed through season 8. Now in syndication on FX AND Lifetime. BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME (CBS 8 9/19)

NEW Terra Nova: Ah shit, son, Stephen J. Lang up ins. (FOX 8 9/26)

Two and a Half Men: I love Kelso. (CBS 9 9/19)

Bored to Death: Who's a better wolf pack, these guys or the Horrible Bosses crew? Toss-up. (HBO 9 10/10)

Hawaii Five-0: Using your hands to talk like Scott Caan, Chevy parkour, Grace Park's wide-collar t-shirts. (CBS 10 9/19)


Tuesday:
Shit, shit, and more shit. Go read a book.


Wednesday:

NEW H8R: Will watch episodes conditionally if I like (hate) the celebrity. Of course this is hosted by Mario Lopez! (CW 8 9/14)

South Park (Comedy Central 10 10/5)


Thursday:

NEW Charlie's Angels: I will love this if it's A+ or F- but I'm not sticking around past the pilot for anything in between. (ABC 8 9/22)

Community: AB MENTIONS (NBC 8 9/22)

Always Sunny (FX 10 9/15)

Archer: Ka-KOW! (FX 10:30 9/15)

The League: In real life, Jenny is married to Pete, not Kevin. Wild! (FX 10:30 10/6)


Friday:

NEW Boss: Go look at the trailer for this, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this will be the best new show of the season. (Starz 10 10/21)


Saturday:

SNL Alec Baldwin starts this season. (NBC 11:30 9/24)

Fast Five

A movie in which everyone gets not just a car, but a Koenigsegg CCX
Just got back from Fast Five, the fifth film in the Fast and the Furious franchise, and the third outing in a row from director Justin Lin, writer Chris Morgan, and composer Brian Tyler. And while I remember being happily surprised by both Tokyo Drift and Fast and Furious, Fast Five is the film that will finally get me to remember these guys' names, and it has me hoping they get to do another one. I'm thinking Fast and the Furious: 6th Gear.

Also, looks like this is another major American studio release that South Korea got a week ahead of the States. So, yeah, spoilers. THEY'RE ALL BACK! Yes, ALL OF THEM. Even the dead ones! And the hot ones...and the funny ones...and the ones who think they are so hot and funny, but you know, they're not. Unfortunately, there are some actors/characters who just don't have the charisma that they seem to appear to think they do, but I will tell you one thing: Pick Up Line Tyrese is NOT one of those people.

Yes, he literally says that in the film, and yes, it is awesome, but not nearly as good as the several times he threatens those around him through the fine art of mumbling. The other big winner for charisma in this movie is, as always, Paul Walker as Brian O'Connor, a man who never met a large Hanes T-shirt he didn't like. It would be great to someday see another FF movie focusing on these two in the style of 2Fast 2Furious, but for now, it's awesome just to have Tyrese back in the mix.

As for everyone else? They are also in the movie, and while at times that is neat, and at least never terrible, they are all secondary to the cars and stunt work. There are two insanely awesome car action set-pieces, and then a couple of shorter sequences, some played more for laughs than suspense. But the train scene and the final chase are worth the price to see the movie on their own. And you know from the trailer that in the final action sequence, a couple of Dodge Chargers are pulling a huge safe through the streets of Rio de Janeiro, and that is somewhat cool, but also somewhat completely baffling that things don't just go to shit every time those Chargers make a turn.


So, while this movie does at times play fast and loose and furious with physics, it's still great fun, and by far the best fifth film in any franchise series ever.*†


*Especially if we count Batman (1966) as the first in the Batman series.


†But if we go in numbered episode order for Star Wars, we're in trouble.

Magnus, Robot Fighter

Magnus doesn't usually wear pants, but when he does, it's a hit.

I'm sorry, Black Cat, you're just too damn fat.

So this woman wrote a letter that was published back in January, which made the very reasonable note that Black Cat could not possibly weigh 120 lbs (or 110 lbs) and be close to six feet tall. Still no change on the official website, but I guess I would place her at 146.2 lbs, myself. But don't take my word for it. I'm no expert, I'm just an enthusiast.

Alpha Male Syndrome Syndrome

This is what happens when you go to the library thinking you have three hours until closing time, it turns out you only have ten minutes, and you grab and check out the first book that you see.

Alpha Male Syndrome is a book about dealing with alpha males in the workplace, written by self-described alpha couple Kate Ludeman and Eddie Erlandson. Which I thought was one of those things, like being cool, where if you're saying it about yourself, it doesn't count. But these two bring a lot of evidence to the table to prove that they both are, in face, seriously alpha, and have been since as far back as the first grade. Seriously, these two are alpha as fuck:

Even as a child, Kate exhibited the ambition and drive of an alpha female. She was also fascinated by the alpha males she encountered growing up in South Texas.

I like to imagine that she was already using that jargon while growing up, too.

In the first grade, she figured out how to beat the strongest boys at the game of red rover, using direct eye contact and a smile to break through their supercharged strength as approached the line.

That is solid alpha material.

Later, she found a way to entice alpha boys to attend a summer school she organized in her small town,

and in the fourth grade she bit the wrist of a bully to get him to quit bothering her friends.

Kate's husband, Eddie, is also very alpha, even though there is no evidence in the following biography that he ever bit anyone.

At age 29, Eddie was a surgical resident at the University of Michigan, holding down two outside jobs and trying to live a normal family life with his two young children. But that wasn't enough for an achievement-obsessed alpha.

Which he was.

He decided to become a marathon runner. After 50 marathons, the 26-mile run wasn't enough of a challenge, so he took on ultra marathons, becoming so obsessed with each 100-mile race that he ignored medical advice and ended up with stress fractures and a broken leg.

So alpha it hurts.

When he became chief of staff, he learned how to use his own alpha strengths to corral the energy and egos of other alphas,

I hear that corralling alphas is like herding cats, so that's pretty impressive, as well as pretty alpha.

who were waging turf wars at the hospital.

Not LITERALLY, of course.

He also learned valuable lessons from his patients: of the approximately 10,000 surgeries he performed, about 75 percent were on alpha males.

That statistic is from page 6, just five pages after Kate and Eddie admitted to not knowing a damn thing about statistics:

Although there are no hard numbers to support this approximation, we estimate that alphas comprise about 75 percent of top executives.

To paraphrase a friend of mine, I am somewhere between 14 percent and 97 percent sure that I will finish this book.

예쁘다

At first I was at this bar where three guys were being overly comfortable in their sexuality while the band played Cake covers.

Then, Korean Gary Coleman granted me one wish.

The next thing I know, I'm at a bar where these girls are being awesomely comfortable with their sexuality while a DJ is spinning fucking ACE. OF. BASE.

I know, right?

An In-depth Review of Marvel's Siege

It was the goddamn crossover event of the millennium, you guysh.

Iron Hamm 2

Some musings on a movie where the deepest thoughts are still prompted by the Stan Lee cameo.

The best thing about living in the future is that sometimes Iron Man 2 comes here first. I attended the first IMAX showing, 9:30 Thursday morning. This despite my best efforts to just attend the regular screening at 9:00. The CGV simply would not sell me a non-IMAX ticket, so I made do. I honestly brought ear plugs in case that happened, so I was content. ish.


Overall, then, I'm sure a lot of my opinion of the technical aspects of the movie is biased by the presentation. It's a given that if a film isn't a documentary about either scaling a glacier or alien cat people, it's aesthetic isn't being done any favors by the over-large IMAX screen. Then again, maybe all the props look like plastic toys and everyone's complexion has distinctly marked them as reaching their sell-by date in a regular screening of IM2. I DON'T KNOW. But what I'm saying is this: on an IMAX screen, all the props in this movie look like plastic toys and everyone's complexion has distinctly marked them as reaching their sell-by date.


And I loved every minute of it. I loved half of the minutes of it. Okay, I loved this part:

But a lot of the movie was dull and plodding and not that interesting and it took forever to get there and fairly early on I realized, "You know, I probably would not have come to see this movie if it wasn't for Scarlett Johansson and Olivia Munn" (and a blonde at the beginning who I thought was Taylor Swift, but there's nothing online about it so I'm guessing not). And my preference would have been for Munn to be Black Widow and Johansson to be the reporter who was shot from an unflattering brightly-lit angle for ten seconds, never to be seen again, but I think we all know how that wish turned out. 


A big detriment to the film was the lack of awesome set-pieces, unfortunately brought into sharp relief by the fact that there were some awesome set-pieces. I mean, two awesome set-pieces: the racetrack at Monaco and the Japanese garden. Besides that, IM2 spends too much time at Stark's house and the Stark Expo stage, and going back to these places again and again. You know how Wayne Manor is different in every single Batman movie? I grew up with a borderline annoyance that there was no consistency to the presentation of that place, but after two Iron Manses with the exact same mansion, all I can think of is Stan Lee's best quote, "Never give the audience what they think they want."


Speaking of The Man, he shows up early on in IM2, this time playing a Larry King analog. Or is he? See, the same questions still apply. Is this Larry King? Or is it Stan Lee wearing suspenders, and Tony is once again mistaking identity? It is a mystery.


And I lied before, because while that is a very deep thought, it turns out my deepest thoughts on this movie were spent imagining what it would be like if we could have just substituted the cast of "Mad Men" for all the principles involved. Not that deep, though, because John Slattery already appears as Tony Stark's dad, and I didn't get any farther than thinking, "Heyyyyyyyy...Jon Hamm as Tony? That would be classic."


Which would be great because he would be awesome at the drunk scenes (important boozy Iron Man character stuff!), and he wouldn't need lifts, either. Seriously, look at the shoes Robert Downey Jr. is wearing in every scene. They aren't even hiding it! He gets up on a table at one point, and those shoes are just...there. But hey, that's IMAX for you.


I gave it ten more seconds of deep thinking, and I can say for a fact that I would have enjoyed this cast more than what I got:

• Vincent Kartheiser as Justin Hammer
• January Jones as Pepper Potts
• Jared Harris as that stuffy senator
• Rich Sommer or Bryan Batt as Happy Hogan, I don't even really care, hell, make 'em switch out every other scene
• that guy who played the elevator operator as Nick Fury (ha ha racism)
• a jazz musician as War Machine (I am just not seeing these guys on IMDB)
• annnnnd Kiernan Shipka as Whiplash

I know what you're thinking. "Hey, that sounds great, but you forgot Black Widow! Christina Hendricks, right?" What are you, retarded? Alison Brie.

Cosplay!

Maintaining the indefensible position that it's not creepy to take pictures of a bunch of 15 year-olds wearing angel costumes.

Seoul Comic World was held at the aT Center in Yangjae this past weekend, April 10th and 11th. It was the 93rd Seoul Comic World, which makes sense because the event began in 1999, exactly 93 years ago.

The main convention floor was set up with about two dozen rows of mangaka booths, and all of the artists were exhibiting their personal works for sale. The production value on all the buttons, keychains, alarm clocks, tote bags, posters, and actual comics was very impressive for the prices being charged by each artist: even a hardcover artbook was only 9,000 won. One artist was sketching as I walked by, so I tried to ask if she had any original art for sale, but no such luck. But for about the equivalent of 15 bucks all together, I got a ticket for the show (4,000 won), five posters, an artbook, ten postcards, a button, a totebag, and a bunch of stickers.

It would have been possible to attend the show without even buying a ticket for the exhibition hall, though. Most of the people who came in costume were milling around outside. There was a huge park directly behind the convention center, and everyone decked out in their anime finest were being continuously photographed by people with much nicer cameras than I.

Some costumes were better than others, though. I don't know, this must have been some character from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest Adventure Legends or something. I never played that one.

This is, of course, me posing with a blue duck. The duck was actually white before post-production, but I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one. This picture also represents my only photo of someone in costume without questionable sexual undertones. 

And here I am achieving minor celebrity status as Token Foreigner on the stage in front of the convention center. I made pig noises, said three things in Korean, and practiced the Dim Mak in front of a crowd of several hundred. I am not even making that up. Ironically enough, a lot of 15 year-olds wearing angel costumes wanted to take my picture after that. Which is probably not too creepy, so there's that.

The Saturday Sketch: "Family Flix"

What are you talking about, I post Saturday Sketches every Saturday. Houston, we have a dog, and possibly...the funniest comedy sketch...of all time.

More Unsubstantiated Rumours About Korea

No One Knows I'm an American as long as I extraneously add the letter 'U' to words.

I have never actually looked at Cyworld, but from what I've been told, it's Korea's Facebook, but with a much higher cultural penetration. And apparently a lot of the girls' profile pics feature them flashing the Victory sign and puffing out their cheeks. I'm not even going to connect the rest of those dots, draw your own conclusions.

Each time I learn a new cultural tidbit like the preceding, I file it away in a mental vault for which the only keys are being within shouting distance of me because I am definitely going to repeat it ad nauseum to anyone I meet. And so, a horrifying prospect about my continued stay in South Korea is that the longer I am here, the more I become a fount of useless knowledge for any foreigner who has been here even one less day than me, even though at this point everything I know is ridiculous hearsay.

Next Time on Merv at the Movies: Fan Death, The Postpartum Seawood Soup Diet, and Why Closing Down the Subway From Midnight to 5 a.m. Will Curb A Nation's Binge-Drinking Even Though There Are Still Places Where You Can Get A Bottle of Soju for 10 Scrents

Rooftop View

of a bunch of snow

After a 10-day vacation, my first day back at work has been canceled due to snow. There's no reliable internet weather forecast for Korea, but reports have Seoul receiving more than 30cm. The roads around Ilsan are pretty-well cleared and the buses are running, but judging by the snowfall on my roof, I'd say we got near to 40cm or more here.

The first time I thought to visit the roof was just last week, but of course it's a fairly nice view from 15 stories up. If it was a clear day, it might be easier for you to figure out from the last photo that "Man of La Mancha" is coming to the Opera House this month. I will take some more photos of the exact same view on a nicer day.