Saturday, February 16, 2008

First Law Of Melrose Place

I go to a university with a hefty greek population, so I tend to see a lot of backs of t-shirts that are rough approximations of ideas for parties: toga casino 80's night, or white trash pimp luau mother's day, for example. Remember the importance of themes for parties?

Well, the more alcohol that girls drink, the more likely everyone is to experience the First Law Of Melrose Place, or FLOMP, which states "If two characters meet each other, at some point they will have sex."

Which is a fine law for the people who live at 4616 Melrose Pl., but people in the real world need a little help. Such help is self-evident and covered by the FLOMP real world corollary: "Every three alcoholic drinks consumed by a woman increases the potential to experience FLOMP by 400%. For guys, the same alcoholic intake can result in a 37% increase up to 12 drinks, at which point FLOMP likelihood decreases by 14.5% for every drink following."

It's all very scientific, and it makes clear the need for themes for parties. My favorite theme is going camping, for one simple reason, and that is that the same pun is used for every greek t-shirt about a camping event.

"Camping: It's in TENTS!" Awesome. But even better, rather than continuing to use that pun AS INTENDED, I have reverse-engineered it to apply to watching reruns of primetime soaps, an activity I have to do because I made a promise to myself and also because Josie Bissett.

But that's not the point. The point is, the following are actual plotlines from "Melrose Place":
  • A doctor's wife is emotionally distant because of an illness that will kill her in three months, so she hires a prostitute to seduce him so that his sexual needs will continue to be met, only for the doctor to leave his wife and marry the prostitute.
  • Kathy Ireland is hired by the estranged father of Heather Locklear to seduce a rebel without a cause because that rebel turned state's evidence against the father for shady business dealings, only to have Ireland double-cross and shoot the father before blowing up the rebel's boat after he refuses to go with her to Mexico (but also after sex).
  • A professional photographer who was pregnant with the baby of a high-school crush turned drug dealer who she had to shoot and kill in self-defense has the baby kidnapped by a nanny hired by the father's parents, only for the photographer to be shot in the back by the child's grandfather after she tries to reclaim her baby (eventually the baby is given to foster parents who do not live on Melrose Place).
What else can even be said about a show that is so IN TENTS it forces you to yell: "It's camping!"

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